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“You lose a level of intimacy because you are so paranoid.” More, Morgan began to develop an ability to cut off people from his life when he felt slighted or betrayed, thus increasing his sense of isolation.“I also have this horrible ability, where someone that I’ve known for twenty years betrays me or my trust, I can cut them out of my life without even a thought about them again,” he said. It takes me a matter of minutes.” Eventually, Morgan turned to alcohol and drugs, ending up in rehab in 2006. “Then alcohol isn’t enough, you start turning to drugs.A hell of a mask to wear to hide the insecurities." But rather than modify his insecurities and thus make him more able to connect with others, Morgan found that drugs and alcohol resulted in his engaging in behavior that harmed relationships.“The flip side is you do some things you really aren’t proud of.“Ever since then I have had a hard time feeling like I’m worth anything. I feel like this emotional desert.” Morgan was left with a maladaptive pattern of desperately wanting to connect with others, but being unable to allow himself to be vulnerable enough to engage in the behaviors that would help perpetuate intimate relationships.
And so vulnerability is something that I try and shy away from as much as possible. “It was vividly burned in my mind.” What complicated matters for Morgan was that while he was left with deep feelings of vulnerability, he did not feel free to express emotions to his father. “If you think about it, it’s pretty brutal to treat children that way.” Morgan developed an aversion to being open or vulnerable to others.“If I could speak I'd tell you all my fears and deprivations; If I could feel I'd take away your pain; If I could bleed I'd show you all my scars and imperfections; If I could breathe I'd hold you in my veins” From “Let You Down” by Seether For Shaun Morgan—songwriter and vocalist of the band Seether—being vulnerable has never been easy.His first memories are of the abandonment he felt from his biological mother following his parents’ divorce. She often left us in a car in the middle of the night when she was sleeping with a married man,” Morgan told me.And what follows is judgment…So what I do for a living is I get up on stage where I feel most vulnerable and most exposed and yet I enjoy it.“I love it but I despise how it makes me feel.” Worse, if he does allow himself to accept feedback, Morgan feels that he only focuses on negative feedback.
My insecurities destroyed those relationships, those potentially beautiful things, because I didn’t like being vulnerable, and therefore I wouldn’t do things that put me in a vulnerable position,” Morgan explained.